A Chance

It has been beautiful here the last few days.  Sarah was anxious to get outside today so we headed outside to the play set.  As we sat there in the sunshine I found myself with tears in my eyes.  She was laughing and swinging and all of sudden she threw her little head back and straightened out her arms and just leaned back and laughed.  And I as much as try not to dwell on where she's been I couldn't help in that moment to think how very thankful I am that she is out in the sunshine laughing and swinging.

And I couldn't help but remember those left behind.

Those who don't get the chance to throw their head back in the sunshine

and tell their moms to stop taking pictures and sit in the other swing.

Please pray for those who wait. 

Is it hard some days.

yes.

Is it all worth it?

Oh my goodness.

Yes!

Four months

Four months ago today we arrived back home with Sarah.  She's been busy this last month!

Learning to blow bubbles with her cousin Dory

Enjoyed some walks in the early spring weather.

In light of the US win in ice dancing she and Will practiced some new moves just in case there is a future for them in that sport.

 Remembered to pray before bed every night.

Enjoyed a shoulder ride from her awesome big brother!

Discvered the riding toys at any shopping center we happen to be at.

  

                    

 

Tried on glasses at Walmart.

I was there looking at glasses for myself and turned around and she was wearing these.  Pulled them off the rack and put them on like she needed them.

She has turned into quite a shoes and clothes girl.  Her favotite thing to try on was her sisters shorts.

(please ignore the state of the closet)

That is until she discovered the bag of clothes a friend had sent her!  

Thank Katie!

7 shirts, 1 dress, 2 pairs of shorts, 1 skirt, 1 pair of pants and a dress!

Had her first picnic in the playhouse.  She has developed a deep love for peanut butter sandwhiches!

Dressed up in Chinese dresses with her sister and her cousin Dory.

Beautiful girls!

Took in a movie with her big sister and one of her friends.  She just pulled her little chair in there like she was 13 years old too and was supposed to be up late watching a movie!

Baseball is just around the corner gotta get in some batting practice!

To round out the month we took a little road trip to Memphis Zoo with some friends.

Joy

We are in the home study phase of our adoption of Emily.  Not my favorite part.  Especially since we just did this.  I told our social worker that there wasn't really anything that different from last time.  Well, except we added a kid and I quit my job.  Okay, well maybe a few things have changed.  Hopefully it won't take too long and we can get the show on the road.

This was one of those weeks where I questioned my ability to effectively parent anyone.  Monday was a hard day.  From the 15 year old bogged down in exams, to the 13 year old daughter being a 13 year old daughter to the 5 year old who was sick and incredibly frustrated at her inability to communicate.  We are all fighting the crud and not feeling great and it's safe to say I was not feeling like mom of the year.  I've said before that I feel like all my children are on the precipice of things.  All in important phases of their lives.  I was feeling the weight of being their mother  this week.

I am part of an active Facebook group of China moms with our agency.  It has been a source of great encouragement and friendship for me.  Facebook can be bad I know, but this group has been so great for me.  On Tuesday several moms adopting children from the same orphanage that Emily is in posted new pictures.  It appeared that Lifeline had visited the orphanage and while there had taken pictures for the waiting parents.  I did not get any pictures on Tuesday and just assumed that we had not gotten approval by the time the trip was made.  Oh well.  It's okay.  I was planning on ordering an update soon and we have really good pictures from November.

But God knows what a mother's heart needs and on Wednesday morning I got an email from our social worker with the news that I did indeed have pictures!!!  I was so thrilled to see her precious face.

And as if this wasn't enough to brighten the week I received a message I was hoping for last night.  I had contacted a family that I knew was there adopting an older child from the same orphanage.  I didn't know them but asked if they were going to be at the orphanage and happened to see her would they snap a picture.  What a blessing was headed our way!  Several pictures including one of her in her wheelchair which I was desperately hoping for.  And not only that but a precious video with her telling us she was waiting for us.  And as added bonus, the family's guide translates what Emily is saying on the video.  We immediately recognized her voice as our wonderful guide Aron from our time in China. 

In addition to all this great stuff was the news from this mother that our girl is just as precious as we have heard.  Every single person that meets her tells of her joyous spirit and her peaceful nature.  Every single person tells us how special she is.  I can not wait to get her home and see what the Lord is going to do through her.  

We have several videos of her singing.  She has a precious voice.  One of the first times we went to church after being home with Sarah I walked in as everyone was singing.  I had a sort of vision of her sitting there in the aisle in her wheelchair singing praises to the Lord.  I can not wait to see that in person.  I can not wait to introduce her to Jesus.  

I still need to write out the story of how we got to this point.  In the beginning of our first adoption we reviewed the file of a precious little girl.  I wanted the answer to be yes to this girl but there was no peace in it at all.  It was a resounding no.  She has a family now and I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful that the Lord gave us a no because we know what a no feels like and we know what a yes feels like.  Sarah was a yes and Emily is beyond a shadow of doubt a yes.  

I had already ordered an update through a service when we got all these great pictures.  We were able to ask Emily some questions and send her a gift and some pictures.  We should get those in the next little bit.  

I still feel so inadequate as a mother most days.  I have asked the Lord for years to cover my short comings.  There are days I feel like I have done the very best I could possibly do and there are days I feel like I have let them all down.  But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be their mother.    All four of them.

Four

We have learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It's easier to pretent they aren't real before you hold them in your arms.
But once you do…
Everything Changes

When I was in college I came across a picture that made me catch my breath.  It was a simple black and white picture of a kitchen table with four children sitting around it.  I remember thinking I was seeing a glimpse of my future.  Four.

After Jenny was born I knew I was done birthing babies.  I just knew.  Shane did too.  But we weren't done having children.  God had planted the seed of adoption in our hearts and although it took many years and lots of prayer God gave us the desire of our hearts.  

and yet….

God also broke our hearts for the fatherless.  Our eyes were opened.  We have seen them and held them and we have left them behind.  Nearly every night as I lay by my precious daughter who is finally home I see that room full of babies in my head.  I see those older children whose chance for a family diminshes with each passing day.

And God reminded me of the picture in my mind of a table with four children around it.

And He is a God who fiercely loves the fatherless and He is a God who loves to give you the desire of your heart.

And so….

We are headed back to China.

For a precious 12 year old girl we knew we would be back for. 

A girl described by those who have met her as lovely and peaceful and precious and joyous.

We are calling her Emily Marie.

God has shown Himself faithful already in His perfect timing, allowing us to lock her file just in the knick of time.  We will share the details of how we found her and how God led us to her soon.  For today we simply ask for your prayers for her and for us.  And we want to show you her beautiful face.

The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!

Psalms 126:3

ICE!

We've had our version of an ice storm over here lately!

When I was little girl I was very jealous of the fact that my friend had an indoor ice and water dispenser in their refrigerator.  We never had one and to me, well, that was the coolest thing ever.  I felt like if I could ever reach a point in life where I had an ice dispenser in the door of my refrigerator I would have truly  made it.

Seven years ago when we built our house we bought a new refrigerator.  And you guessed it- it had in door ice and water dispenser.  I was pretty pumped.  I didn't necessarily think we had made it quite yet- whatever that means.  I was excited though.

However, God has a funny sense of humor because that thing really drives me crazy!  It doesn't work all that great and takes way more time that just opening the fridge and grabbing some ice from the dispenser.  I've always said that was "punishment" for my covetous ways as a child.

Now however, I don't think God is punishing me for trying to keep up with Jones', I think He is cracking up.  Because I have new level of aggravation for the ice dispenser.

  

When we first got home and she discovered water came out of there she would just stare at it.  Then she would make gestures and sounds that we knew meant she wanted some water.  We would get her a cup and put just a tiny sip in it.  Most of which ended up on the floor.  But she didn't have the height or the strength to push the button.

A few months later……  She knows where the cups are and can get her own water.  A few full cups on the floor and I decided we needed to keep it on the ice button all the time.  She couldn't press it long enough to get anything out.  Problem solved.

Until a few weeks later.  Now she is tall enough and strong enough to get whatever she wants out of that dispenser.  So much ice and water everywhere.  Puddles all over the house.  Half melted ice in every room.  

And one seriously cute face!

I spent the first few days laughing about how funny life is.  I spent the next 2 days frustrated at the never ending puddles and now this is what I have decided……

Every morning a sleepy headed Jenny rolls out of her room still in her jammies.  She goes to the cup drawer, gets a cup, and then gets herself something to drink.  Every morning.  Why?  Well, she wakes up thirsty, but also because she is at home.  She knows where the cups are.  She has the knowledge that water is available whenever she is thirsty.  She knows that its ok.  Its her home.

SO instead of being frustrated I am being thankful.  Or at least reminding myself to be thankful.  She is at home.  She knows where the cups are.  She has grown enough to reach the dispenser.  She is now strong enough to get the ice out.  Over and over again.  She knows when she is thirsty she can get something to drink.

It's a good thing, just a little wet.  Everywhere!

Three months today

Three months ago today this sweet baby was placed in my arms.

She actually kind of grabbed onto me around the neck.  It was kind of shocking really.  Now I know that's how she hugs.  She grabs on tight!  I love that I know that now.  I love that I know her.

She was a baby in so many ways.  She has come so far.

Painting with "snow".  Puffy paint made of glue and shaving cream.

I've written so many blog posts in my head but just have not found the time to actually write them.  We have definitely turned a corner in the last month and as a friend of mine who also brought home a daughter at the same time  said, "The honeymoon is over."  And that's a good thing.
She is not afraid to show her stuff when she is not happy.

And that is good.  She is comfortable and safe.  There have definitely been more tears in the last month.  Especially at bedtime.  Not for long periods of time, but it does seem to be when she struggles.  We have moved the cot back into her room and I am sleeping in there each night.  At first this felt like such a set back, but I keep having to remind myself that she has only been home a few months.  Three  months ago she was sleeping in China in a room full of kids.  We feel like she has always been here, but sadly she has not.  It is a process and right now she needs me close during the night.  And that is ok.

We have started to do some "school."  We are just working on catching up on some skills and having new expierences.  I have a list of goals for her each month.  My own little IEP.  That keeps me focused and working towards something.  We are not being hard core at all.  Mostly just meaningful play.

Painting with noodles!

Playing in the noodles!  She is signing "more".  She really liked this!

Her new play kitchen!  We are so thankful for the gift cards that people gave us.  They have helped us be able to get her fun things like this that are so imprtant to help her developemental skills.

We have been blessed to have a nice quiet month.  The next few are so busy!  It has been nice to have a slower pace.  She has had so many firsts this month!

First time at the park!  We are trying to get to the park at least once a week for "PE".  This helps with her gross motor skills and it's just fun!

First time to get stitches.  

As Will said, "She fought the wall and the wall won."

It was only three little stiches in the back of her head and she was a trooper. 

First time to play dress up.  Unfortunately it was her teenage brother making her look like a thug instead of her sister making her look like a princess.  She's cute anyway!

First Chinese New Year with us!

I had a blast with Chinese New Year!  We had a family dinner on Friday night and then had our family over for a Chinese feast on Super Bowl Sunday.

First Boy Scout Court of Honor.  Will got his hard earned Eagle! 

First time to be sick at home :( 

I told someone it was like having a newborn get sick.  I didn't know what her normal sick looks like if you know what I mean.  She ran super high fever and was very lethargic.  It only lasted 2 days though and she was back to her old self!

First Snow!

 First bed head!

She has discovered her sisters closet!  Awesome boots!

We've made some progress medically too.  Sarah has cerebral palsy as her main diagnosis.  She has had a PT evaluation and we have a home program ready to start.  I will be working with her on goals at home and then we will se the PT every few weeks.  This will allow us to stretch our therapy allotment out and also continue to help with attachment.  PT is by nature very physical and for now its best if we are the ones doing that.  

Last week Sarah had a sedated hearing test in order for us to get a better picture of her hearing situation.

This confirmed for us what we really already knew.  She has a pretty significant hearing loss.  This explains so much and although we aren't "glad" for the news we are glad to know and move forward.  This girl has so much potential! She is gonna rock those pink hearing aids!  

We have been so blessed by this little one.  It still takes my breath away that she sits at my kitchen table every day.  I challenge you to pray about adoption.  If the Lord is pricking your heart I urge you to listen.  It is not easy.  There are always excuses.  I had lots.  But even today as she sat next to me in the booth at the mexican restaurant covered in beans and eating all the chips her heart desired I thought, "What if we had said no."  Look what we would have missed.  

2 months

My youngest brother was born when I was 13 years old.  I have a vivid memory of him sitting in his baby swing in our kitchen and me sitting in front of him talking to him and thinking very clearly- "What  did we do before he was here!"  He was only 3 weeks old but it seemed like he had always been there.

That's a little like how we feel about Miss Sarah.  On the one hand I think,  "How is it already 2 months?"  And on the other I think "It's only been two months?!"  We are for sure still adjusting and figuring it all out but all in all things are going so well.

Here are some highlights of our progress at two months:

*Her mouth is completely healed!!  This has made a HUGE difference in lots of ways!  I knew her teeth were in need of some work while we were still China, but I didn't completely have the full scope of things until we got home and even then didn't realize how bad it was until we saw the dentist.  I am so thankful for Dr. Waters and all the time and work she put into Sarah.  When they brought her back to us after her surgery and so many teeth were gone and the rest were silver caps and her gums were bleeding and swollen I thought to myself, "What have we done?!"  This can't be undone and I'm not sure this was the right thing to do!"  But it was!  Her drooling has completely stopped.  Her bed no longer has blood stains every morning from bleeding gums, her eating and swallowing skills are much improved.  It has made a huge difference in her over all well being.

And she is getting a big girl tooth on the bottom!  Yea!

*She has come so far with her eating!  When we first got her she ate constantly.  Didn't matter what.  She would fill her mouth so full she would almost choke.  Now she even refuses food from time to time. She takes her time.  She is swallowing so much better!  We are still working on chewing, but she doesn't have a lot of teeth to actually chew with.

*She is feeling more and more at home. I told Shane I had noticed a shift in the last week or so.   Up until then she did not want me out of her sight.  Now I find that I have to go look for her.  Or she will play in the den while I am in the kitchen.  She is discovering her toys and playing in her closet while I try to grab another minute or two of sleep.  The other day she laid out in the middle of the kitchen floor just cause she wanted to.  That says to me- this is my house and I feel like laying in the floor!

*She is so comfortable with us and in her home that she doesn't mind pitching a fit.  I keep reminding myself this is a good thing.  She is comfortable.  She knows we love her no matter what.  Wow- she can scream loud.

*She has the best laugh ever and gives the best kisses.  She knew how to blow kisses when we got her but it was more of a click sound she made with her tongue.  Now its a full out pucker noise and she loves to give them!!!  Anytime Will or Jenny walks in the room out come the kisses!

We have had a wonderful holiday season.  It has been good to have everyone home.  I'll be honest though, it's time to get back to a routine.  Bringing her home in time for all the holidays was so great and not something we even had hoped for when we started out this time last year.  It has, however, made it hard to get into a routine.  So tomorrow starts the real world and we will figure out a whole new set of circumstances.  I am also anxious to get back to church.  I am beginning to feel very disconnected.  I told Shane last night that its been weeks since I talked to anybody from church.  It's time to cross that bridge and figure out how to be back in church as a family.  I am not ready to put her in Sunday school and I'm not sure where she would fit.  She doesn't understand sitting quietly- at all- so that makes big church hard.  We will figure it out though.  It's time.

We have had a great two months and can't wait to see what this next month brings for our girl!