Thursday, April 24, 2014

A trying month

I am way over due a 5 month update.  Not that I think everyone out there is dying for an update every month but this is sort of like my baby book for Sarah.  A place to look back at everything that had gone on during each month.  Six months is just around the corner so I am way behind, but in an effort to keep it transparent.  I am weary.

These last 2 months have been the hardest of all my 16 years of motherhood.  My precious 5 year olds is working hard to heal a broken heart and learning how to be a part of a family.  As beautiful as it is, it is hard and it is messy.  We have had some hard hard days.  My precious 13 yr old, Jenny has had a major, life altering medical emergency.  We are still reeling a little from that and learning how to manage her new diagnoses.  And my almost 16 year old, is well…..almost 16.  Enough said.

And I am working to get my 4th child home.  I long for her most days.  Her sweet spirit shines through her pictures and the reports we get.  I am anxious to get her here.

I am struggling too.  Finding where I fit and finding where Sarah fits.  I tire of the looks she gets when she doesn't answers some one's questions or makes noises some don't understand.  She is such a joy but I do get a glimpse of what the world sees sometimes and it hurts my mothers heart. I still feel very disconnected from things and am struggling to find a place to fit.

A few years ago I complained to the Lord that I was bored.  That makes me laugh today.  The truth of the matter is that what God loves Satan hates and he attacks with fury.  Shane and I both feel like we are under attack.  We are buckling down to protect our children, our marriage and our family. He may sling a few arrows and hit his mark form time to time, but he will not win.

We did have some very good and exciting things happen during Sarah's 5th month home and I will write about those soon.  We are getting into good rhythm and for the most part things are really good, but my heart is so very heavy for my children these days.  We covet your prayers.

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